If I Could Give the World a Hug...

It seems like almost everyone I know (myself included) is going through some major and challenging life changes right now: breakups, foreclosures, job losses, moving, legal battles, money trouble, restlessness, scandals, loss of loved ones, losing homes in fires... the list goes on and on. I am just beginning to clear my mind of a little of my own funk.  I have found that two things help me get through a rough time more than anything else: A. Doing things that I love and B. Sharing those things with the people I love.

Luckily for me, there are many things that satisfy "A."  (Truth be told, there are probably too many things that do, but that's a post for another day.)  One thing that has been there for me 27 of my 31 years on this planet, however, is music.  I've mostly played the piano, though I love to sing and have experimented with the violin and the flute (no, not in a "this one time at band camp" sort of way...)

I have always been reluctant to share my music.  It is my sanctuary when things go wrong in my life.  I had always feared that if I played and people didn't like it, it would somehow lose its healing power.  That and the fact that I was teased about it pretty ruthlessly in school, which pretty much makes anyone reluctant to revisit anything...

This past year has been pretty eye-opening to me, however.  I have learned to be a lot more open to new people, new ideas and to trying new things.  So, in an attempt to share the love, I offer two of my very favorite Satie songs to play on the piano when I am feeling blue:

Erik Satie: Gnossienne No. 1

Erik Satie: 1ere Gymnopedie

I recorded myself playing these using my digital piano (Yamaha S90ES- best digital piano ever), some fancy gadgets that hook up to my computer, and Cubase recording software.  I'm hoping to continue recording more music, perhaps a bit with some vocals if I can figure out how to use my microphone properly and either work around its presence in front of my keyboard or work on my ability to record the vocals and instruments separately (not an easy task when you are used to doing both simultaneously).  And maybe, just maybe, I will include some of my own compositions in time.

Anyway, that's my little virtual hug.  Go do something you love and share a little with someone else.  Passion and compassion are great healers.

"Postartum" Depression?

Words are returning in spades! I've been trying to figure out why I've been so blue lately and realized something that might resonate with others:

I recently finished a screenplay that I had been working on for some time. I knew I had been working on it for at least two years (I started it when I was still living in New York) but a friend actually confirmed for me that I had sent him the first draft in September of 2002! So basically, It's been a project for about four years. In those four years, I abandoned it twice, hacked it pieces, pasted it back together, killed some of my characters and even brought a couple back to life. Needless to say, it’s been in my head for a long time!

Well, about a week ago, I actually typed "The End." Now my mind is reeling! Now what? Now what do I do with this? So I've finished the daunting task of writing 106 pages of story, now I'm faced with the even more daunting task of actually making the film (or worse yet, now people might actually read it, judge it, and the whole thing might not ever become a film)! Plus, there is a bit of…sadness. Now I have to move on and just let the screenplay part of it be what it is. This is much easier said than done.

Since that day, I’ve been moody, prone to crying for no particular reason, tired, argumentative, etc. Most interestingly, I had a very bizarre dream a couple of nights ago: I just had a baby. I kept finding the baby in precarious situations- climbing on scaffolding, swimming underwater, even jumping out of airplanes! I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone else to know that I'd had the baby and was extremely reluctant to nurse it.

All of this suddenly made sense to me- I was suffering from a kind of mild artistic postpartum depression (without all of the chemical changes that go on during childbirth, I admit- though it has been suggested to me several times that the "chemical" thing is there in me as well. My hellish experiences with prescription drug experimentation are fodder for another post!)

I’ve read about this happening with many artists- there’s a sort of mania involved in working on a large project and then a sort of depression when you send your creation out, defenseless in the world, to be scrutinized by curators, festival organizers, etc. Might be one of the reasons why much of my work has never left my house and why many of the talented people I know are "closet" artists! I do know that this has happened to me more than once.

Needless to say, this realization has been a powerful tool for me. It has forced me to start on another project- to have a new focus while people are reading the script and the "what ifs" are floating around my head. I think we all just have to keep plugging away…