Film Screening at the Pompidou

One of my less frequently screened films is going to be playing at the Pompidou center in Paris this weekend. I doubt anyone who reads my blog will be there, but if you happen to find yourself in the City of Lights with nothing to do on Saturday, you might want to check it out. It will be part of the "Festival des cinemas differents de Paris," playing on December 6th at 8:00PM. The film is "Ether Twist" (click the link to read about it) and is one of my early experimental polarized light films. I don't really like for people to watch my films online. I mean, I don't "mind" when people do, but I haven't put HD versions up yet (does that mean they are forthcoming? Yes, it does! In fact, my whole site is being slowly overhauled.) The pieces lose their power when they cannot envelop the viewer, so I try to push the live screenings when I can. This film in particular is rather dark and quiet and tends to lose its "mood" on the small screen. Still, I've embedded it here, so happy viewing if you care to watch!

It's abstract, but has a scientific sort of logic behind it. The images are polarized bits of plastic while the sound is VLF radio recordings or auroras and meteor showers and the like. Oh, and yes, the title comes from Tori Amos.

ch-ch-ch-changes!

I'm giving The Cutting Room Floor a much-needed makeover. While the "Darkwater" theme that comes as a plugin with WordPress was very nice, I didn't really think that it visually represented me as accurately as it could. I feel that this new imagery does a much better job. The background image is something I made in Maya. I took great care to be as accurate as I could. I measured out a typical piece of 35mm film, complete with Dolby, SDDS and optical soundtracks, accurately measured out the sprocket holes, aspect ratio, etc. For the texturing (which involves the colors, images, and actual "texture"), I made as detailed a reproduction as I could in Photoshop and then applied it to my filmstrips. I then mapped the color channel into the transparency channel and set a slight bump map to accurately portray the ridges of the film emulsion. I rendered the whole thing with mental ray. That was a whole lot of technical! If you understood it, cool. If not, just check out the images and marvel at their accuracy and coolness. :) I've been working on it for a while and just got the time to render it recently. Below- the Photoshop reference image :

Compare that to this image from wikipedia. The most interesting part to make was the soundtrack. The "static" shapes between the sprocket holes contains the information for the Dolby Digital soundtrack (see the little "DD" symbol? that's really there!), the two blueish strips of "noise" on the edges contain the information for the SDDS track and the black and white sine wave patterns are the optical soundtrack, read by a lightbulb in the projector.

Pretty cool, eh? I stuck some countdown leader in the middle of the frames and then deformed the strips and added some cool glowey light and some metallic sphere thingies in a sort of "orbit" around the light (just going back to the astronomy interests). I'd love to hear feedback on it- especially if you find it detrimental to the blog reading experience. I tried to be kind to the eyes and I'm still working on the page layout...

Super Spectacular Uber Summer Blockbuster Fantastic

I am a sucker for action flicks. While I love artful, thought-provoking films (my most recent favorite that I think falls into this category is "The Fall" by Tarsem- a really touching and beautifully shot film), I also love pigging out on popcorn and watching slick effects, exciting chases... basically being "entertained" for two hours in a dark, cool room. This summer, I was taking a class on making sound/music for film and multimedia. I have since dropped it. It was a time-sucker class in which the "teaching" was "here is a keyboard, here is the computer, here is the program you need, now play around with it and make stuff." This is fine, but I have all of this equipment at home and access to online tutorials for all of it, so this class was kind of a waste of time and money. Also, it's been a while since I was a student. It's hard for me to make any video project that is "just enough" to get a grade. I kind of like work that looks completed and professional and that takes a lot of time to do. It's not something I can just "do" on a weekly basis with a full-time job.

Still, I did finish one project. Behold! The blockbuster to beat out all blockbusters! Even this one feels a little unfinished to me, but it's a spoof, so it doesn't bother me as much. Our assignment was to download some video and put some music to it. Here's a great ad for Apple. I got stuck on their trailers page. I started noticing visual "similarities" to all of these trailers. I downloaded as many different ones as time could allow and edited them with Quicktime Pro (this was part of the assignment, I would never choose to do this). I then played sounds and put music to it with Garage Band (which I loved). It took me a couple of hours to do, once I knew what I wanted to do. Enjoy!

Days Seven and Eight- Guerrilla Filmfare

As the screening of LOOP approached, I had very little time to blog, so forgive the lateness of these posts! After a good talk with Lloyd Kaufman, president of Troma Entertainment, I felt a little better about my feelings for Cannes. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one who felt that it was an epicenter of film sleaze and that the real independent voice is getting lost in the so-called "low-budget" corporate conglomerate "independent" film world that includes companies like Miramax and New Line. Not that I have a specific problem with these companies or even the giants like Paramount and Warner Brothers- I like quite a few of the films they produce, but there should be room in the world for the "under $5 million" filmmakers such as Pericles and myself, too. The term "independent" is losing its original meaning more and more these days.

LOOP is the real deal, though. I have no idea what the budget for this film was, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't even close to $5 million! The marketing team at Cannes consisted of... well... me. Without a mini-Cooper with the painted logo of the film parading up and down the Croisette, a $200,000 party in a hotel lobby, full-page ads in Variety and a crew of market-savvy sellers and schmoozers sitting in a rented booth, LOOP was something of an underdog in a very bizarre world.

Case in point: I took an hour out of my over-busy schedule to help the guy who wanted me to do animation while I was at the festival (see my post from day two). He booked a 140-person VIP screening for his film (yes, those are expensive and tough to fill). He managed to get a couple of attractive interns to help him push the film. He managed to set up a "hot" (his term) party complete with shuttles that would take people from other parties to his own (for a documentary on Dante's Inferno- I bet Lindsay Lohan was just DYING to go). He even offered me a 5% finder's fee if I sold his film (which I had not even seen and had no interest in pushing). Yet somehow getting the actual film on DVD for the screening (meaning he had no film to show) was a last-minute priority...

With a mix of irritation, annoyance, vigilance and pity (mostly pity), I agreed to help him burn a DVD with Encore on his laptop. He offered to pay me back with dinner, which I refused. I only accept food as payment for the truly poor and passionate filmmakers of the world. All others must pay cash. After he made fun of my name (ha ha- it sounds like "Corney!" I bet kids made fun of you in school), I vowed to avoid his film screening and him for the remainder of the festival.

Aggressive measures needed to be taken. With this kind of well-paid competition, LOOP needed to become the Barack Obama of Cannes! What's a girl to do?

Shine, of course!

Courtney Hoskins at the American Pavilion, Cannes

I took a deep breath and went out on the streets, telling everyone I met (particularly if they had blue market badges with purple (buyer) stripes) about LOOP! Pericles sent me hundreds of these glowing necklaces to which I affixed stickers detailing the web site, screening date, time, and location. The American Pavilion students loved them and helped me pass them out (particular thanks to Alicia, Barrett, Amber and Brittany- my roommates whose names I'm sure I just butchered- for their extra support).

Courtney Hoskins and friends representing LOOP at Cannes

I managed to pass out hundreds of postcards, bookmarks, necklaces and bracelets in the film market before I was escorted out by security (it is "strictement interdit" to do marketing in the market if you haven't spent thousands for a booth- yet another little f*%& you from the money holders). I had no idea, so I made my apologies and leveled with them to find out just how far I could push the law. I discovered that I could stand outside of the palais doors and pass cards out to whomever I wanted...

...provided that they not drop them within 10 meters of my person. Such a thing is forbided

Still, I was able to distribute the rest of the day's propaganda, saving a bit for the next day for the last minute "what should I go see crowd." I ended these rather triumphant days by watching "Blazing Saddles" outside on the beach. The film was actually projected on 35mm film and looked great! It was much needed comic relief and brought me back to reality.

An extremely bright satellite passed overhead, causing me to notice the stars that had broken out from behind the clouds- the real stars, from which we all come, famous or not. In the end, it doesn't matter how much status we are given here on this planet. We are all human. I try to keep this in mind, especially when talking with people who have some kind of "power" over what I want to do. Later that night, the almost-full moon crept up from behind the ships on the water, seeming larger than life. I tried to photograph the effect to no avail- it's an illusion that only exists in the mind, just like human "star" power. I'll write a post about that little optical phenomenon later.

Day Two- Kung Fu and 3D Love

The day started with me attempting to get some work done in the American Pavilion, or AmPav as the folks in the know call it. It’s difficult to write when people sit down next to you and start chatting, but it can be worth the frustration. One person offered me a job… here. He wanted me to do some animation for him on the film he is screening in the market next week. The thought of stopping all festival activities to do AfterEffects work does not sound appealing to me. I’ve politely declined. A couple of times... I sat in on an AmPav panel discussion about 3D. I don’t mean 3D animation, but actual 3D where you wear the glasses.

I must admit, I am a convert. After realizing how doable 3D is these days, I began seeing my whole film in 3D and it was pretty exciting. I'm seriously considering going down that road. The guest celebrity speaker here was James (Jim) Cameron- participating via Skype. I read part of a recent article he had written in a video magazine, so I knew that he was intimately familiar with the technology he is using, but I was still impressed. He spoke briefly about "Avatar," which I really can’t wait to see, but spoke more about industry trends and technological possibilities. He's passionate about what he does. It was inspiring and contagious. He was "there" with his DP and basic... genius guy, Vince Pace.

James Cameron and Vince Pace talk about 3D

Then, it was the red carpet premiere of Kung Fu Panda! I have to admit, it wasn't number one on my list, but it stars Jack Black and Angelina Jolie, who were kind enough to pose for me the last time they were in an animated film together and in Cannes (my pictures from 2004- Angelina Jolie, Jack Black and Will Smith on an inflatable shark). Plus, it was an animated film about Kung Fu. How could I not see it? Now that I have chilled in the same "room" as them and watched a movie, I think that officially makes us "friends." George Lucas and Dustin Hoffman and Lucy Liu and countless others were also in the audience. I didn't get many pictures of the stars (yes, Sue, Brad Pitt was there), but if you've ever wondered what it's like on the other side of the paparazzi cam, here's a bit of a photo rundown:

Approaching the tapis rouge:

J'y arrive!

on the other side of the lens:

and up the steps I go:

Me- red carpet in the background! Thanks to the english women who took my photo!

my outfit (I got this for the screening of LOOP because of the cranes printed on it, but I thought it was appropriate for Kung Fu Panda because... well... Kung Fu! Crane style is one of my favorite styles:

You know, I've made jokes about the two types of stars that I like, but I thought it was funny to see just how brightly they glow:.

My phone doesn't zoom, so I had to take a picture of the screen:

Fireworks on the croisette (the main street of Cannes):

Fireworks from the rooftop poolside party.

I decided to do a crane-style pose in my crane-style dress in honor of Kung Fu Panda:

You can see from the photo that I'm carrying my trusty fish purse- my festival favorite. I was photographed twice by some fashion magazines because of it.

The film was okay, by the way. Nothing new for anyone familiar with Kung Fu movies/stories. I thought the idea of having animal characters for each animal style was pretty cute. For the most part, the animals seemed to behave true to their style. I liked it a lot, but it was definitely not a "phenomenal" film. Part of me wondered why Lucy Liu and Jackie Chan were even cast- they spoke all of three lines.

The Cutting Room Floor?

Yes, it’s a film thing. Read on…

If you regularly read my blog, you might be wondering what the bloody h is going on. If you’ve never read my blog and are puzzled by how many posts there are for a blog that has only existed for a day, let me explain:

I am in the process of transferring my old blog to a new one. I have decided to go with Word Press over Blogger because I feel it gives me a bit more organizational and layout control and I am a CSS nerd and like to have things just so. It might not seem that way right now because I’m using one of their standard templates, but I’m getting to it.

So, what’s with the title? Well, I was friends with filmmaker Stan Brakhage before he passed away. One day, I wrote a description of one of his films. He was very excited by what I wrote and wanted to use it. Apparently, the Library of Congress said they needed better descriptions of his films because they couldn’t tell the difference between his works and scraps from the cutting room floor…

This was meant to be insulting. A brief explanation: Once Upon a Time, filmmakers used to edit actual physical film prints on big turntable machines, rather than digital media on laptops. They would physically cut the film and piece it back together. The stuff that ended up on the cutting room floor was the stuff that would not make it into the final film (also known as trash, scraps, crap, refuse, etc.) Despite the proliferation of non-linear editing systems and the popularity of DVD outtake clips and directors’ cuts, the term is still used in “the biz” to describe ideas, people, or shots that just don’t make it into the final “cut.”

Some film facts for you: Even today, at the end of the editing process, negatives do still get cut and most of what you see in movie theatres is still shown on film (yes, this surprises many of my non-film-savvy friends, as does the fact that as of this moment, film prints are usually still better quality than digital projections). Also, did you know that when you are watching a film projected in a movie theater, half the time you are staring at a black screen and the rest of the time you are staring at still images? The illusion of movement and constant illumination created from this flicker is due to a phenomenon called “persistence of vision,” whereby your brain “fills in” the missing pieces. Neat, huh?

Anyway, back to the title of this blog… My old blog was called “An Astronomer in Hollywood.” At the time, I was in school for astrophysics, having temporarily turned my back on my dreams of becoming a filmmaker (get it? It’s a play on the concept of “star.”) I felt torn between my two passions, knowing that one would end up a hobby and the other a career. Well, since film has clearly won that battle for now, I feel that my musings on astronomy, as well as dreams and meandering thoughts, are essentially “scraps from the cutting room floor.”

Now any Stan Brakhage fan would know: that’s usually where you find the good stuff!

Day Five

The big day! I had all of my pitches today. Plus, some of the creative team from Pixar were there to talk to the Expo. They were amazing! I heard Andrew Stanton (director of "Finding Nemo"), Brad Bird and Mark Andrews (director and head of story, respectively, of "The Incredibles"). It was really inspiring. These are people who love film (particularly my early love- animation) and have managed to really fight the studio system to get their work made (though Andrew Stanton warned that he is not a good person to ask for industry advice because he doesn't work in Hollywood, he works in "Fairyland"). I totally agreed with Brad Bird (who also made "The Iron Giant-" a really incredible film) when he said, "I would do this job for free. What they actually pay me for is to deal with the bureaucracy." Amen to that! Anyway, the pitches:

What a strange reality that was! All of these people were in their mid-to-late twenties. They were all junior executives and interns. It was a little surprising. It was also very eye-opening. We were on different sides of the same struggle: beginning a career in film. What they need is talent to represent or produce. What we need is representation and support! The edge disappeared and I was able to be myself. Essentially, I was meeting with peers. It was like mingling at a bar (especially since it was necessary to scream over all of the noise in the room). Suddenly, they were all just human. Out of six pitches, three producers and two agents want to see my work. I was floored! Really? The only one who turned me down was admittedly looking for television ideas.

Of course, I won't hold my breath or assume that this means anything, but at least I know that I can pitch a project and that the film I am working on at least sounds interesting! I saw plenty of disappointment and head shaking, so I didn't get that, at least. What floored me even more than acceptance was that one agency rep became interested in me when he learned that I knew Stan Brakhage. "No way! I love his work! My buddies and I were so bummed when he heard that he passed away two years ago." Huh? I would never have imagined driving to Hollywood and dropping Stan Brakhage's name to a junior exec at a talent agency! Suddenly, I was able to see that my two film lives didn't need to be so exclusive of one another.

Still, the experience was a bit surreal. At 15 minutes before your pitch, you are herded (with about 60 other people) into a room. At 10 minutes before your pitch, you are herded to the other side of that room. At 5 minutes before your pitch, you move to the "five minute zone" (a new room) and stare into the pitch pit (a bunch of long tables with numbers, pitchers and pitchees). When the referee announces that the current pitchers have one minute, you are told to file into the room, find your rep, and hover quietly over the person finishing up their pitch. When the bell rings, you count to ten and if the person sitting in your seat has not moved, move them. On my third pitch, I made the mistake of trying to move the rep rather than the pitcher. Oops! It turned out to be the most successful pitch, actually. I felt totally spent after the experience.

My day went from 8AM-11PM, so I am rewarding myself for a script well pitched and taking the final day off tomorrow to hit the beach. Oh, and my brilliant inter-species/racism scene (see day four) only got a score of 83. You needed a 90 to make it to the next round. No $5,000. Even better, I’m off the hook and can get a little sunshine on my ghostly skin!

An Astronomer in Hollywood- Part 2

Part I was the first-year film student biography; the "follow your dreams" biography. It ended with me unable to afford CalArts and settling for an in-state film studies education under the guise of a degree in French to make the parents happy. Go ahead and ask how much I've been able to do with a degree in French... The foundation biography picks up where that left off and goes something like this (trimmed slightly so as not to bore):

In 1998, I began working with legendary filmmaker Stan Brakhage as a student projectionist at the University of Colorado. I discovered that we shared many of the same foundations. Although my passion for film was firmly in place, Brakhage opened my eyes to the possibilities in the cinematic medium. We soon became close colleagues and I learned much about his hand-painted film techniques.

In 1999, I traveled with this newfound passion to Paris where I studied experimental films with filmmaker Pip Chodorov and began my first animation projects using a Super-8mm camera. I furthered my film studies by traveling to the Cannes Film Festival as an intern. I lived in France for six months while I wrote my thesis on the films of François Truffaut, for which I graduated cum laude (see above comment on "degree in French").

Upon returning to the States, I was eager to apply this knowledge to my own film work, but desired a distinct voice. Serendipitously (because this was a grant application and it is important to have at least one six-syllable word), I was called upon to aid a physics professor with a presentation involving crossed Polaroid filters on an overhead projector. Under normal conditions, this would block out most of the light and the result would be a black screen. However, the demonstration was to show the properties of birefringent (double-refracting) materials, such as liquid crystals. The result was a screen full of vibrant, changing colors, produced by the bending of nothing more than a plastic fork. I was presented with the final piece in my desire to find beauty in the mundane: polarized light.

My imagination was ignited by the possibilities within this newfound world. I realized that the technique used to project these materials onto a screen could be modified in order to film them. I acquainted myself with various birefringent materials readily available in the world around me: plastics, soaps, liquid crystalline paints and cosmetics. I experimented with different lighting and equipment setups. Bending, twisting and congealing became my new brushstrokes. I soon had complete control over the color spectrum. My medium became light itself.

I moved to New York where I gained access to an optical printer and made my first films. “Gossamer Conglomerate” (below) made use of cut pieces of birefringent polyester splicing tape, placed upon clear film leader destroyed by "vinegar syndrome." I shot the film through crossed Polaroid filters, which isolated the vibrant colors of the splicing tape. By applying these fresh film materials to the decayed leader, I made film that represented the life cycle of film and its rebirth as a new and personal work. It was suggestive of a butterfly’s flight from the darkness of the chrysalis.

In “The Light Touch Dust Nebula,” I painted upon this colorless film leader with thermotropic liquid crystal paint. Used in mood rings, this paint changes color with heat. As the film sat in front of the lamp of the printer, the paint changed color in each frame, giving the image the look of twinkling, luminescent dust.

Finally, “Munkphilm” (below) employed plastic that I had melted onto the same clear film leader. It was a cinematic meditation on melted plastics in a plastic medium.

I gained employment as an optical technician and film and video artist at a film laboratory in New York. I was granted me access to film equipment and various emulsions. I collected objects that would ordinarily be thrown away in order to expose their beauty under polarized light. In this unique and ambitious recycling program, a discarded plastic wrapper or spool of unwanted film became a prism. To make my film “Ether Twist,” I used these bits of discarded materials along with recordings of very low frequency (VLF) transmissions from aurorae, thunderstorms and sun spots.

I created “Snow Flukes” (below) by applying heat-sensitive liquid crystal paints to a 1920’s silhouette cartoon that had been abandoned in the film vaults.

From strips of discarded lab tests, I created “Sweet Intuition,” meticulously cutting out thousands of 16mm frames, pasting them on 35mm film with birefringent glue, and filming them through crossed-polarizers.

I set out to complete my most ambitious project to date: “The Galilean Satellites,” a film series dedicated to Stan Brakhage. The films explored the possibilities of life on the four largest moons of Jupiter, discovered by Galileo. Just as his discovery changed the popular view that the Earth is not the center of the solar system, I hoped to offer the view that the amazing beauty seen on this planet is a common thread connecting the Universe. This series of four films incorporated several birefringent materials upon recycled film stock and original footage. The soundtrack consisted of radio transmissions from various space probes of the atmospheres of celestial bodies. In this way, I was not only exposing the unseen vibrancy in seemingly ordinary and colorless materials, but the unheard symphonies emitted from seemingly silent objects. I hoped that they would be, as Jonas Mekas would later comment upon seeing them, "The true music of the spheres."

Cannes 2004

Well, this blog is called "An Astronomer in Hollywood." So far, I've written a lot about Astronomy and a lot about my particular kind of filmmaking, but I seem to be lacking...Hollywood! So due to popular demand, I have decided to post some photos from a trip to Cannes that I took two years ago with my best friend/partner in crime, Carl.

So, here we are at the red carpet. No, seriously! See, you can totally tell: that blue blur is Uma Thurman, the black blur to her left is Quentin Terantino, and to her right, well (if I have to tell you), that's obviously Daryl Hannah. This was for Kill Bill Volume...whatever it was that came out in 2004...

Okay, I guess that wasn't very exciting. That was just the video projection of what was going on on the other side of the crowd that we were stuck behind. What was exciting was being on the red carpet:

No, seriously. It was a red carpet:

That was for Yimou Zhang's film "House of Flying Daggers." It was beautiful on the big big screen! It's fun to go to the red carpet screenings at Cannes. They screen the films several times throughout the day for the press. It's often easier to get into those screenings, but it's fun to do the red carpet at least once while you are there! The paparazzi snap your photos pretty viciously! Even if you are not a person People magazine would pay money to have on their pages, they can play off your vanity later and sell you the photo of yourself. I will expand on the cushy living a good paparazzo can make in my next blog.

If that wasn't glamorous enough for you, how's this:

Now for some serious film business shots. You've got to have the right 'tude if you're going to pass yourself off as a film producer:

I was showing one of my short films ("Snowbird") at the Short Film Corner in the Cannes Market. That wasn't the primary reason for attending the festival, but I wanted it to have a good screening. I wrote my posters and flyers out by hand. Tip: this works really well in the time of slick multi-colored glossy postcards. People could not resist picking them up! And yes, both cups of coffee and the pack of cigarettes are mine! I think we slept about 3-4 hours per night there:

By the way, I highly recommend this! There are no requirements for entering the Short Film Corner. Your films are not "judged" and "selected." You simply pay the entry fee and, voilà! You're in the festival. Not only that, but the entry fee is quite reasonable (70 Euros at the time) and you get festival accreditation which allows you to enter the market and attend film screenings. The Short Film Corner is available all day to producers and distributors who watch the films in little private booths. You also get a "theatrical" (video) screening with several other films. I was very pleased with the turnout for my film. In fact, it got to go to Paramount Classics (where they informed me that they don't "do" short films but to contact them as soon as I have feature work)!

Carl transformed his hair to match the carpet. It's unfortunate that we don't have a shot of him in his green satin scarf on the red carpet. Alas, it was hard enough to stop and take one photo when they are urging you up the stairs! Amusingly, the French have one very strict requirement for walking up the red carpet: Men MUST be wearing a black bowtie. No tie, no movie. Carl's was hidden under his scarf, so of course he got stopped (in the same manner as someone who has just set off the metal detector at the airport). He had to peel away his scarf and show his tie. The security guard nodded. Carl re-covered his tie and made his way to the carpet. I guess one doesn't need to be able to see the tie, you just have to have one...???

Anyway, Carl before and after:

And now we both have only one degree of separation:

The American Pavilion (where he was speaking with Nicole Kassell, Kyra Sedgwick and Benjamin Bratt about Kassell's film "The Woodsman") was cooking breakfast before he came in. It was kind of amusing when Carl and I looked at each other and said, "do you smell...bacon?" Seconds later, Kevin Bacon walked in the door.

I have to put some "real" photographs in here! We took a break from the festival to go visit l'île Saint Honorat. This is a small island run by monks. It was a nice break from the noise:

"Postartum" Depression?

Words are returning in spades! I've been trying to figure out why I've been so blue lately and realized something that might resonate with others:

I recently finished a screenplay that I had been working on for some time. I knew I had been working on it for at least two years (I started it when I was still living in New York) but a friend actually confirmed for me that I had sent him the first draft in September of 2002! So basically, It's been a project for about four years. In those four years, I abandoned it twice, hacked it pieces, pasted it back together, killed some of my characters and even brought a couple back to life. Needless to say, it’s been in my head for a long time!

Well, about a week ago, I actually typed "The End." Now my mind is reeling! Now what? Now what do I do with this? So I've finished the daunting task of writing 106 pages of story, now I'm faced with the even more daunting task of actually making the film (or worse yet, now people might actually read it, judge it, and the whole thing might not ever become a film)! Plus, there is a bit of…sadness. Now I have to move on and just let the screenplay part of it be what it is. This is much easier said than done.

Since that day, I’ve been moody, prone to crying for no particular reason, tired, argumentative, etc. Most interestingly, I had a very bizarre dream a couple of nights ago: I just had a baby. I kept finding the baby in precarious situations- climbing on scaffolding, swimming underwater, even jumping out of airplanes! I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone else to know that I'd had the baby and was extremely reluctant to nurse it.

All of this suddenly made sense to me- I was suffering from a kind of mild artistic postpartum depression (without all of the chemical changes that go on during childbirth, I admit- though it has been suggested to me several times that the "chemical" thing is there in me as well. My hellish experiences with prescription drug experimentation are fodder for another post!)

I’ve read about this happening with many artists- there’s a sort of mania involved in working on a large project and then a sort of depression when you send your creation out, defenseless in the world, to be scrutinized by curators, festival organizers, etc. Might be one of the reasons why much of my work has never left my house and why many of the talented people I know are "closet" artists! I do know that this has happened to me more than once.

Needless to say, this realization has been a powerful tool for me. It has forced me to start on another project- to have a new focus while people are reading the script and the "what ifs" are floating around my head. I think we all just have to keep plugging away…

Reflections from Projections

Snipped from my previous life as a projectionist: I am the projectionist. You may not know who I am. My goal is to ensure that you do not know I exist. Your voyage into the cinema is an illusion, broken only if I fail in my duties.

If I allow a scratch to dance down the center of the film frame, you will know me and curse me. If the volume falls too low, or a frame line can be seen, you will know me and find me so that I might set it right.

I have sat in darkened rooms, guiding films with my aching hands as they wind through the projector, keeping the take-up reel silent and the images pristine. I have unwound chaotic masses of curling film in silence while you regard your linear illusion in ignorance of its near-death experience. I have detected the acrid vinegar scent of decaying acetate before the image has deteriorated- keeping beloved films from shifting red to the past and becoming forever lost.

Forgive me if, on occasion, I get lost in my own illusion and forget to initiate the changeover…

Film & Empty Space

All matter is made of mostly empty space- it is the way in which the particles within that space interact that makes it what it is. I'm paraphrasing K.C. Cole, science writer for the Los Angeles Times. I was just thinking that the same can be said of film. I think that's one thing I don't like about working with video (though for the most part, I DO like working with video): there's no space between. Most of my films can be thought of as animation. Whether I'm shooting off of an animation stand of sorts (which seems to be my preferred method lately) or hand painting the frames, there is a certain magic in the filmmaking process that brings the work to life. Most of the time, the camera is off and I'm adjusting things. The actual frame exposure is quite brief. When I do expose a frame, the thing I am photographing is stationary. In the end, though, the light seems to move and interact in its own unique way.

Even still, more than half of the finished film is darkness! The shutter blocks the light as often as it lets it through. The filmstrip itself tends to block more light than it lets through (or every film we saw would be white light). The motion is as much an illusion as the keyboard on which I'm typing!

Still

A still from my film, "The Counter Girl Trilogy," which played at the New York Film Festival.

The Counter Girl Trilogy by Courtney Hoskins